Satisfaction

I think that’s what’s missing in my life right now.  I can’t seem to come to that point of satisfaction and enjoyment one would like to have.  During the day, my job isn’t that bad.  It’s the end of the day that I hate.  Instead of saying, “Great job today, see you tomorrow” we’re expected to stay and become house niggers and clean up everyone elses messes simply because the powers that be think that this is “our house.”

This isn’t my house.  And I’m sure as hell not going to become some house nigger for a person that thinks her shit don’t stink.  Granted, I have to give respect to the rank.  But as a person, I just can’t bring myself to respect anyone as pretentious as this woman.  Moral is low for a reason.

Another aspect of my life that I’m unhappy with right now is the fact that I’m becoming disgustingly fat.  Some people might think I’m crazy, but to me, it’s happening.  Now, there’s no one else to blame for it but myself and that’s part of the reason why I’m so unhappy with it.  When I come home from my job, my motivation is so far gone that all I want to do is watch tv and drink beer.  Our PT program here is barely anything so that’s not helping at all.  I know I need to go to the gym and run more but again, the motivation is lacking as is the time to do it.  I’ve tried numerous times to stick to diets and go to the gym on a regular basis but something always happens to make me divert back to my old ways (i.e. having to stay late at work for some stupid fucking reason).

I’m almost to the point of giving up.  The only thing that keeps me from saying, “Fuck it, I’ll just drink and get fat and not give a shit about my health anymore” is Joy and the fact that I have to make warrant officer.  Joy always gives me this guilt trip about my habits but I deserve it.  She eats so healthy all the time and there’s some times I admire her discipline.  And then there’s the whole warrant officer situation.  There’s no way I can make warrant officer and be in shape for school in my present condition.  I think as soon as I find out, that will be the key to getting my ass in gear and start getting back in shape.

Hopefully one of these days I’ll find my niche here and become comfortable with who I am again.  Until then however, it’s gonna have to be a day-to-day process.