Here it comes again

I feel the animosity, anxiety, and rage coming on again.  Everything and everyone around me gets me to the point where I just want to hurt someone.  I don’t even know where to start but what I do know is that what I saw this morning brings back all kinds of feelings and hurtfulness and all I want to do is go lose myself in the gym some more.  I had forgotten what the gym does for me.  I forgot how it makes me feel and cope with all of the bullshit life throws at me.

When I first started working out in Iraq I did it for a certain reason.  After a while, when I started to see results, I started to do it for myself.  When I started up again yesterday, my mindset was to be in there for myself once more but now this morning brings up some old conflicts that changes my attitude about everything.  I thought I had gotten over all of that shit.  I guess not.

The problem is I don’t know how to deal with it.  It’s like a festering sore deep inside me that I can’t get rid of and it’s never going away.  I can’t bring it up to the person I need to talk to about it because it won’t get me anywhere.  All I can do is keep it buried deep inside me and use it as fuel to get what I need to get done in the gym.  I just hope it doesn’t spill out over into my work rituals.  Trust me, with this type of problem, I will be “combat in-effective” at my job.  If my head isn’t where it’s supposed to be, my job will suffer because of it.

I’m just so fucking tired of everything.